An Apology I Can Only Hope You See
by Neon-Storm123
Summary: Written for: Carolene Kingsleigh


I need to make it perfectly clear that when all of this happened, I was a confused, young girl with no intentions of hurting someone, especially not someone so sweet, passionate, artistic, and loving and Carolene Kingsleigh. It was merely a year ago, not even, actually. All of this happened during the summer of last year, 2012, and I don't know why or how it happened, really… at least, not the beginning. The ending was my fault and all my fault, and if there was any way for me to go and fix what I had done to Carolene, I would. I hate what I did to him, and I despise my young emotions for making me so numb.

I don't recall what the date was, but I had gotten a friend request on Facebook from a person I didn't know. Being in a strange stage where I was always playing the games and such on Facebook, I accepted the request… well for that reason, and the fact that this unknown person was rather attractive. After accepting this Friend Request, I didn't talk to him for about a week. You wouldn't even think of doing that, though, right? Well… one day, the day it began, I saw that this unknown man, Carolene Kingsleigh, was online, and for a reason I don't know, I sent him a message.

"Hey. Do I know you?" Is what I had sent, or something along those lines.

He replied within a minute with a "no" or something of that affect. I'm sorry that I don't remember everything, I wish I did, and I wish I could go back and look at all the messages, but I sadly cannot, and I do not recall everything that had happened in the few months of this almost-love-story.

We began talking some more, and he explained how he had seen a comment I had made on a Meme website that was connected to Facebook, and he had just been intrigued by me and had clicked on my icon in order to see more and to of course, friend request this red-and-blue-haired thirteen year old girl. I mention what my age was to lean in to the fact that he was seventeen, though there is no problem to have with that, I did, and still do, have a crush on the lead singer of My Chemical Romance… and other band members of other bands, all of which being in their late twenties at least.

Him and I talked for a while, and I explained to him why I had dyed my hair, and we talked about music, and I told him I played bass, to which he said was the "coolest thing ever" and of course, he mentioned to me how he sings. And boy, does he sing. He sent me a song that he had recorded in college, it was called "Iliad" and it has served as my favorite song sense the moment I heard it. I still have it on my mp3 player, and I'd probably bawl if I were to lose it. The lyrics go something like:

"Iliad tragedy,

miseries are oh, so attracted.

A chosen one,

I'm my father's son,

yeah I'm the one you attracted"

and of course it goes on to much more gorgeous words that made me cry the first time I heard it, but I cried mostly because of the story he had told me about. The story of Christy, or at least I believe that's what her name was. She was to him the same thing I was, just someone he found on the internet that broke his delicate, romantic heart.

I don't remember the whole story, and I honestly wish I did, I really want so badly to remember the entire thing of how she hurt him and how he got back at her by hacking her Facebook or whatever. What I do remember was that he referred to her as "stupid" and he was sure to tell me that this was something I was not.

I remember when I was telling him about how he was truly important, and this was during the first few weeks of talking, I kept thinking how I wish I had a more expanded vocabulary and how I just simply needed more words to tell him just how incredible he was. He really was incredible; he was so smart and talented, and sensitive. He was very sensitive.

On the third week of conversing, he said something like "I have something to tell you."

I replied with, "What is it?"

"I love you." He had said in such simplicity.

This is the moment where I should have said something honest, I should have told him that I wasn't sure how I felt or that I didn't know what love is exactly. All I knew about love was what Gerard Way had said, and that was 'Love is when you can tell the other person anything' and I could tell Carolene anything, anything at all and he still would love and respect me and consider me to be smart… but that isn't love, I know that now.

"I love you, too." I replied.

I don't know what exactly proceeded that phrase exactly, I just know it consisted of him and I sharing an adorable couple-y conversation about adorable couple-y things. Even though I told him I loved him, I was also already in a relationship with a girl named Heather, whom I was only dating at the time to make a statement to society.

After that, we began planning our lives together. It was very serious, and I think it really would have happened if I hadn't done what I did later on. But the plan was that he would be going to college in London, and he would get a job and such, then he would pay for me to leave America and go and join him in the UK. It was a beautiful plan, we had such similar taste in the places we wanted to be. He told me a story of how he wanted it all to go.

He would get me at the airport, and I would run to him and jump into his arms, him spinning me and smiling at me, me smiling back, my life feeling complete and amazing. He would then drive me to his house from the airport, and we would talk in the car about what we would do for the day. When we got back to the house, I would take a nap to sleep off my jet lag, and of course take a well-needed shower. After I would put on some clean clothes; I imagined the clothes to be a long cream-coloured shirt with elbow-length sleeves which I would wear black tights with and comfy boots, all of these things I did not own at the time, but oh well. Once I was dressed, he would take me to the fair, where we would get cotton candy and walk on the beach together, the perfect clichéd romance, at night, we would go on the fares-wheel , and I would lean my head on his shoulder.

That was the first day plan. We also planned our first kiss, his idea for that was simply amazing. He said he would not kiss me until a few weeks after we had lived together for a while. I would be sitting on the couch, my feet up on the coffee table, watching television. A perfectly mundane happening indeed. Then, he would come in, straddle my things, and lean slowly in to touch my lips with his and work them together in an at-first gentle kiss. The kiss would escalate into pure romance where he would then pick me up bridal-style, and carry me into the bedroom, where the patio doors would be open and he would lay me down on the pure white sheets, and we would undress eachother slowly, taking in the moment to memorize its finest and most tedious details. Of course, we would be having sex, but it wouldn't just be sex, it would be making love.

We would talk like that a lot, us planning our lives and such. There were many more things we planned, kids for instance, but that's to be told later in the story.

He sent me a song, too. A song by his favorite band, which I forgot the name of. I really want to remember what the song was… I remember the band being very religious, though, or at least that's how it came across to me. The lyrics of the song basically just called a girl an angel and a savior and stuff of that sort. I want to know what the song was. As a reply to that, I sent him "The Only Hope for Me is You" by, of course, My Chemical Romance.

The school year was almost over now, and I was sometimes too tired of talking to him to make an effort. I honestly don't understand how I could be so numb when he was so passionate to me. I would often make an excuse that I was busy, or that my mother had punished me or whatever.

Once while we were talking, Carolene asked if I would be alright with setting my Facebook to "In A Relationship" because Christy had never done that for him. I foolishly agreed.

That night, I walked into my mother's room to say goodnight, and she began questioning me.

"Who's this boy you're dating?" She questioned

"He's a guy from my school." I replied, I thought very quickly,

"His profile says he lives in the Netherlands and that he's seventeen."

"That's a joke."

"That you're dating?"

"No, that he's in the Netherlands and is seventeen. He's actually an eighth-grader." I was in seventh-grade at the time, and my school was K-through-8. She luckily believed me and I left her room, texting Carolene about how if my mother messaged him, that he needed to lie and tell her he's fifteen and he goes to my school. I never told him what school I went to, though, so I suppose he couldn't have very well done that.

Sense I was in school I used homework and class as another excuse not to speak with him, and sense he always stayed up all night to talk to me (he used to do it in order to talk to Christy) I would tell him that he needed to get some sleep because I worried about him. I was worried, really I was, but it also worked to my benefit that he went to sleep so I didn't have to talk to him. I wish I hadn't done that, I wish I had talked to him all the time. I should have been flattered to talk to such a gorgeous, romantic, intelligent man… but I don't know why I wasn't. I should have loved him back.

A while later, we were talking about the children we'd want and the house we'd live in and the different sex we would have around the house. We decided we'd live close to a lake or a beach, and our house would be built on an Irish hill near a forest. We would have a room in our home dedicated to instruments… and we would have sex on the drum kit. The drum thing was my idea. We also said how it'd be nice to have a boy named Vincent; we both adored the name, and found it to be a rather suitable boy's name. There were other kids, too, but I don't remember the names or anything.

There's so much I simply don't remember, so I must skip ahead to the fall-out. I don't know why I did this, but one day I unfriended Carolene and blocked him on Facebook. I think it was late at night; that would make sense considering that the next day, while I was in math, I got a string of at least five texts from him in a row. I raised my hand, asking the teacher if I could go and check them. He was usually alright with us doing that as long as we stood at the front of class near him when we checked them. Well anyway, I went up and stood near the teacher and read the five texts. They were a story of a dream he had had about Christy making him soup in a white dress, and he killed his brother and some other insane thoughts and none of it involved me, really, but Mr. G, the teacher, had looked over my shoulder and said "That's some scary crap, you should go talk to the principal" So he sent me down, and I told the story of Carolene to her, but I left out many details… and honestly the way I told the story, I had granted innocence upon myself.

The principal called my mother, and my mother came to pick me up. I cried on the car-ride home and was sure to yell "I'm such an idiot, aren't I!?" I wasn't really that sad or scared, but anticipating what mother would do to me, I needed to gain some sympathy from her. I got the sympathy like I had wanted, and when we got home, she made me get my laptop and bring it down to her so she could check everything and do stuff to my Facebook and all.

She never saw the messages on Facebook because I had blocked Carolene, but she did get a copy of all my texts, the drum-kit sex was on that, but she never said anything about it. We changed my phone number and she changed my Facebook settings so less information could be seen by strangers, and I was told to go and de-friend everyone that I didn't know personally. I did that, losing some more people I was close to in the process. I took off of school for a couple days after that by my mother's request.

I thought that was the end of course, but it is not yet, though, there isn't much left. On June 27, 2012, two months before school started, I got a message on Facebook from Carolene. He had made a new Facebook account and messaged me saying the following:

"i miss you and remember you very much...

carolene

and i still don't know why would a smart intelligent girlfriend who knew that i was hurt in the past by christy and other girls, would do this and yu did block me...i swear i still don't know...with other girls it was understandable, they were dumd stupids but why you?"

I still have the message in my inbox because I had never replied to it… I actually didn't even notice it was there until a few months ago (it being April of 2013 now). I want to message him now, I really do, I want to explain what happened, so I wrote this. That would be my reasoning for writing this. The reason that it's not directed at him, though, is that I will post it on a different website and e-mail the link to it to him. Now I will say this:

Carolene, I am deeply sorry.

~Veronica


End file.
